Taylor Swift and growing up

I'll just admit right here that I am an unapologetic Taylor Swift fan. Her new album Reputation comes out Friday and I'm dying for it.  Aubrey and I talked a little bit about the first 2 songs when they came out and how they were SO different from her last album.  What do we even think of this Taylor?  She's kinda grown.  'Gorgeous' came out and we mentioned it to each other as Aubrey  was headed out to soccer and I was running her brother to baseball.  'Call It What You Want'  came out last week and I'm not even sure we said anything about it. That's my favorite right now, in case you were wondering.

It got me thinking about TS's last album.  1989 was released in 2014.  That was just 3 short years ago.  Aubrey was 13. She sat in the front seat of my car and we jammed to this album NON-STOP.  Everywhere we went.  I remember even driving the kids to look at Christmas lights and we had her album on instead of Christmas music.  The first time we listened to "Blank Space", we looked at each other and laughed and said at the same time...."Did she just say, 'Got a lot of Starbucks lovers'?"  Every time I hear that song now it brings me back to that  little moment and makes me smile because of course she wasn't singing about all of her Starbucks lovers.  Then, I started thinking back just 2 years prior to that, we listened to Red all the time and her Christmas present was tickets to  Taylor's concert.  I got to go too, because, well, someone had to drive her!

And just like Taylor, things here have changed so much.   My little girl is 16 with her own car. On Friday, she'll download Reputation and listen to it on her way to school.  I'll download it and listen to it on my way to work.  Of course, this is how its supposed to be, right mommas? Letting your kids change and grow, but, like listening to Taylor's song "Look What You Made Me Do",  I'm going to need a quick minute to decide whether I like it or not. 

I do still have my 14 year old son to drive to school, but we all know that is not the same!  I don't even get words out of this kid anymore.  It's one sound answers and it's always the same sound.  Was that a Yes?  A No?  A Go to Hell?  I have no idea.  He only listens to artists that have 'Lil' in their name apparently so I don't see us connecting on the music front. I guess I'll take what I can get, because he'll have his own car in 2 short years. 

I heart baseball

 

I have loved the Texas Rangers as far back as I can remember.  My grandma was a big sports fan. She loved to watch the Rangers and the Cowboys.  I remember lots of lazy Sundays hanging out and watching games with her.  I do think she really liked football more than baseball because she would get so excited when they 'kicked goal!'
My love for baseball really kicked into high gear when I started dating a baseball player in high school. I loved going to games and cheering for our team almost as much as harassing the other team. One of the player's girlfriends on our rival team would wear a "Whatever-his-last-name-was's Babe" on the back of her shirt.  I always swore I would get a "Corscadden's Bitch" shirt. I sure wish I  had enough guts to do it then, because I know I would do it now!
Baseball was a big part of our social life after I married my baseball player. We went to a lot of games and played a lot of mound ball.  Mark has definitely one-upped me by attending at least 20 opening day games and  several World Series games in other cities. Lucky bastard.
I love it so much because, during a game, all that matters is what is going on at that very moment.  What's the team's record?  I don't care.  They don't have a shot in the playoffs. I don't care.  There are some shitty things going on in the world. Right now, I don't care.    We share the love of the game with our kids and it's a positive atmosphere instead of negative. It's the one thing we have on TV throughout the summer and we try to make it out to the Ballpark for at least a game or 2. We feel like we've done parenting right when our daughter asks, 'hey, who's pitching tomorrow night?'
I love day games, I love night games, I love the fireworks, I love Chuck Morgan's voice, I love Emily Jones' post-game interviews, I love the players, I love the helmets and uniforms (especially the catcher's uniform... don't judge) and my son will tell you that one of my favorite sounds is the sound of metal spikes crunching on the sand. I love that I get texts from my sister that just says "NA-PO-LI" and I know exactly what she's talking about.  I love that my youngest sister is just learning the awesomeness of baseball, even if she is an Astros fan.
There is this intimate connection built into baseball.  You can see the player's faces and they are on our  TV just about every night from April to (hopefully!) the end of October and they are having SO much fun night after night.  And, no matter their current record, if someone has a walk-off home run, you'll celebrate like they just won the World Series and enjoy someone getting drenched with 2 buckets of Gatorade.
My sister's family and my family were lucky enough to attend the Sunday afternoon game in July when we were anticipating Adrian Beltre to hit his 3,000th hit.  He is one of my very favorite players  and just sums up why I love baseball.  He is a respected leader and he is having the BEST time ever.  We were at a lakehouse in Granbury the night before watching the game on my laptop. 9 of us crowded around a 15" screen.  Would he do it?  He didn't.   15 seconds later my sister and I were buying tickets to the Sunday afternoon game.  It is going to be SO hot.  Someone grab the  
sunscreen and water bottles.
We get to the stadium and everyone immediately needs a new hat, or a new shirt, or new socks(!) like you do.  We grab some grub and find our way to our seats (praise Jesus they are in the shade!)  I am now officially in favor of building the new stadium with a retractable roof. Beltre comes to the plate for his second appearance and everyone is on their feet and, of course, everyone has their phone out ready to record history.  Beltre hits a double and becomes only the 31st player in MLB history and the 1st Dominican player ever to have 3,000 hits.  The place goes crazy!  We are cheering and jumping up and down and laughing and crying!  Crying!!!  Are you crying?  Why am I crying??  Happy sports tears are the best. The celebration is second to none.  Beltre's family running out.   The new banner that is revealed.  The whole team is on the field to congratulate him.  The moment is just as momentous as we thought it would be.  We replayed our videos over and over and watched it all again on ESPN.  And Fox Sports Southwest.  And the local news.  You get the idea.
Yet, after all the hoopla, the one thing that has stuck with me the most was the game the next night.  Felix Hernandez, with the Seattle Mariners, had just given up a 2 run homer to Odor before Beltre came to the plate.  Hernandez walks off the mound to give Beltre a hug.  I'm not crying.  You're crying. I heart baseball.  Forever fan.

Trust...put to the test

Last week was one of those times that I really had to have a lot of faith and trust


It started with hearing a story of some dumb 8th grade kid who made a threatening comment on Snapchat about Brody's middle school as well as including Tuesday's date. This was included on a photo of the kid's hand holding a gun. I am about 98% sure that the kid really was just being stupid on social media and didn't think anything would really happen, but you never know. And, luckily our local authorities do not take anything like this lightly, because again, you never know.  From the news reports that we got, the threat was not credible, the gun was an airsoft gun, the kid was taken to the juvenile detention center and there were no other kids involved.  I figured as much. Stuff like that doesn't happen in Highland Village. I didn't really think much else about it until I went to drop Brody off at school the next morning.  Two cop cars were parked in the parking lot.  I knew that the local police were there to enforce a presence and to provide some extra assurances to anyone who was worried.  As I pulled closer to the front door, there was still a very strong urge to keep on driving and take my baby home with me.  It was very hard to see him open the door and give him a breezy, 'Have a great day!  See you this afternoon!  Love you!" As he walked toward the front door of the school, I had to say out loud to myself that I'm just going to have to trust in the local police and school admin that I would see him that afternoon.  And more than a bit of faith that he will be safe until I see him again.

Wednesday morning brought this issue to a whole new level.  Mark and I took Aubrey to the surgery center for her ACL repair.  She's suffered several ankle injuries and even a concussion, but never anything this severe and certainly has never had surgery.  Well she did have one cavity filled when she was 6 years old and I had to have Mark come sit with me in the waiting room.  God blessed me with the most laid back girl that we often sit and just stare at her (when she's not looking, because then she would think we are weirder than she already thinks we are) and wonder how she came to be?  How did the 2 of us make this person? We can certainly learn a lot from her.  She came in with no concerns, no questions and a heart rate that never got above 82. I think my resting heart rate is at 82 on a regular Tuesday afternoon.  Mark and I joke that we are both SO laid back....OF COURSE we have a child like this!
We got her out of her clothes and into a gown.  The nurse took notes and asked a million questions.  She was asked her name, age and which leg for surgery about 15 times in 10 minutes.  The surgeon came in.  The anesthesiologist came in. The surgical nurse came in. (On a side note, she was on drill team with me back in the day, so I think it was a little sign from God that it was all going to be ok!)  Never did Aubrey have a question, look scared, or look like she might cry.  We had to step out when the anesthesiologist came in to set up the nerve block. Mark told me when we got home that he started to tear up a little when they had us step out.  Thank goodness I just kept my head down at my phone or we both would have turned into a puddle of tears.  Since we still had some time with Aubrey before surgery,we needed to look like we had it together.  We actually only got another minute with her to show our brave faces and give her a quick kiss on the forehead.  Then, they popped the brake on her bed and started to wheel her through the doors. OOOhhhhh.... that was hard to watch......I've got to trust again.  Just nothing but trust in the doctors and nurses and anesthesiologist for the next 2 hours.   And faith.

Lots of deep breaths and some episodes of Grace and Frankie and surgery is done and we can go back and see her.  Everything went fine.  She is slow to wake up from the anesthesia so we take our time. Now, we move on to having trust and faith in ourselves that we know how to take care of her from here.  We get her home and all set up in our bed (shout out to Mark for giving up his spot for a couple of days) and it really is almost like having a newborn.  Is she in pain?  Does she need pain meds? or Aleve? Is she having muscle spasms?  Does she need the anti-nausea pills?  We are not big medicine takers in our house, so I feel lost.  Every day I question whether we are giving her the right medicine at the right time.  I count the hours on my fingers between doses.  I write it down so I don't forget what we've given her.  I wake her up to take meds. She pukes. I feel like shit.  I try to help her take a shower and she gets light headed, so we give up and go back to bed.  We start to wrap her knee back up and I see that she is tearful so I have to walk out because I'm getting tearful.  This is all in the first 48 hours so I'm mentally exhausted.  I know we will round the corner soon because I have trust.  And faith.

Podcasts.....my latest obsession

I might have more than a slight obsession with Podcasts.  I get so frustrated with my kids walking around the house with their face glued to their phones watching Netflix.  I'm surprised they don't walk straight into the wall,  but somehow they can maneuver their way around the kitchen, make a snack, eat it and find their way back upstairs.  So, now I have to admit, I've become that person while listening to Podcasts.  It all started with the first one, Serial.  I lucked out because I was told about the first season after it had already aired, so I could just binge listen to all 12 episodes back to back.  By then, it was time for Season 2 and I actually had to wait a week between episodes. So, while waiting for the next episode, I searched up new Podcasts and started listening to NPR's Politics Podcast. I became more interested in this one than Serial and couldn't wait for new episodes. In fact, I found myself a bit giddy when there was more than one podcast a week.  Imagine my excitement, when they posted EVERY DAY leading up to the election.  I started following a couple of the hosts on Twitter.  I started tweeting at them.  I'd come home and tell the whole family, "Sam Sanders LIKED MY TWEET!"  Who the hell is Sam Sanders?  I laugh out loud in the car while they talk about Dad jokes..... I say things out loud like, "you're so right Domenico"...or I find myself telling them what my CLIG of the week is (that's 'Can't Let It Go').  I've since subscribed to NPR's Fresh Air and Texas Rangers podcasts.  And, to be quite honest the Texas Rangers podcast is terrible, but I listen anyway. It would be nice if they had better production value and not always just record a phone call. I'm getting picky like that with these podcasts.
A few weeks ago, I spent several days painting our extra bedroom so I found another podcast, Up and Vanished that was about a cold case in Georgia.  I was skeptical at first and felt like this Payne Lindsey kid was just a bandwaggoner, but I was able to listen to 8 or so episodes in a row while painting the bedroom and I was hooked.  I got up to speed quickly and then had to wait 2 WEEKS for the next episode.  Thank goodness for bonus Q&A episodes!
I check my Podcast app daily to see if an Unplayed episode pops up in my feed and I get super excited to see a new one.  In fact, in late February, a new episode of Up and Vanished pops up and it's a minute long.  One minute?  Seems very strange when they are at least 20-45 minutes.  So, I put in my ear buds, click play and immediately gasp out loud.  I run into the den and tell my whole family, 'THEY MADE AN ARREST!"  All I get are confused looks.  "Tara Grinstead..the one who was missing in Georgia for 12 YEARS???? They arrested someone."  Still same confused looks. Oh my gosh, this is frustrating.  Monday morning I turn on GMA and there is Payne Lindsey is being interviewed and I'm like 'People!  This is what I was talking about!  I KNOW him.. Well.. I don't know him actually. ' Again...more confused looks.
Since then, I listened to the entire Missing Richard Simmons podcast.  And, I really did miss him. And, I felt really bad for the host, Dan Tiberski, who caught a lot of flak for doing this series and not just leaving well enough alone. I liked going along for the ride and hearing Richard's voice and listening to others talk about how important he was to them.  I just finished S-town and that was fascinating.
So, fair warning that I might excitedly start telling you an in depth story about people that I sound like I know, but chances are, it's just another podcast.

I feel like I know a whole lot of nothing about anything

I started this blog post again to get used to writing again. I kept diaries (or journals, if I want to sound like a grown up) for years before I started this blog.  Apparently, I did write a lot when my kids were little  Then, my kids got older, I got a full time job, life got super busy and my writing turned into nothing more than a quick Facebook post.  Now that I've pretty much signed off of Facebook for reasons I won't go into here, it has given me the space to write again.  In my last 2 posts, I talked about taking some courses and reading some books to help get me up to speed on writing for business.  In the past 6 years if I have learned anything, it is to keep your resume up to date and have a Plan B. So, that's my Plan B should I ever need it.  And, I hope it's not soon because I have a lot to learn.
On the same note, I have a lot to learn on this parenting front.  I've been doing this for almost 16 years.  If I was at a regular job for 16 years, I would feel pretty damn good about my skills.   I would also feel like a rockstar since I haven't been at any one job more than 3 years.  I was at Dr Pepper/7UP for 9 years, but I had about 5 or 6 different jobs while I was there. So, the longest consistent job I have had is being a mom and I still don't know what I'm doing!

Brody feeling super proud of his cheese tray presentation.

This cute little one is growing up.  Solidly into his 13th year and acting every bit of it. He's always been the one that has challenged my parenting skills.  I've been known to dive deep into some parenting books, specifically for those "Strong Willed" children.  He thinks a lot, analyzes a lot and is a complete smart ass.  I blame that on his dad.  The smart ass part. I'll take the "he thinks a lot" part because hey, I'm the one writing this story.  He's small for his age, but loves all sports, especially baseball.  At the same time, he is very sensitive and although he doesn't always show it, he is full of anxiety and doubt.  Hey..that sounds familiar.
He breaks my heart into a million pieces every day.  I'll admit right here that I'm not the praying kind. I really do try,  I've just never been very good at it.  In fact, I make a point to tell people that are going through a hard time that I am thinking of them. Because I really am always thinking about them, I've just never been good at turning that into a prayer.  Now, I find myself awake at 4 am and praying for this kid every night.  7th grade is hard.  7th grade really is the worst.  Friends change.  Voices change.  Attitudes.  Sports is a big part of this kid's life, but, for whatever reason, he didn't make the school basketball team.  As much as I wanted to be 'that mom' that marched up to school to demand a meeting with the 7th grade coaches and find out why on earth this kid wasn't on at least the C team for God's sake, I didn't do it.  Chalked it up to some solid life lessons being taught this year.
In the midst of all of this, I don't know how to handle it.  He is full of so much sass lately that I hear myself often tell him, 'please do not say any more words right now'.   Now, the words are becoming less and less.  I don't know what is going on in that head of his.  I know there is a lot going on in that analytical brain and I'm getting none of it.  I can't decide whether to be the parent that tells him to just grow up already or hold his hand and hold him tight.  I don't want him to be a baby but I also don't want him to be an asshole either.  I think my future daughter-in-law would thank me for that.  So, in addition to reading a book to help me figure out how to launch my Plan B, I decided that I would consult some books to help me parent this kid.
I'm two chapters into this book  'Real Boys' that I was given a few years ago and all I feel is guilty for dropping him off at school in tears for all of those pre-school years and making him cry it out.  Apparently, I should have stayed in his class until he was ready for me to leave.  I don't have time for past guilt, people!  What do I do NOW???  I'm going to continue to read this book in hopes that I can find something useful.  I think I might also read Jay McGraw's book that was also given to me called Closing the Gap: A strategy for bringing teens and parents together.
Anyone else have a good 'boy' book to recommend?
I'll continue to pray for my son and I think I will also start to pray for my future daughter-in-law. And myself.

Doesn't take much to feel like that insecure 12 year old girl

As I get older,  I am grateful that I continue to get more comfortable in my skin, even if it is not as youthful as it was!  I believe my thoughts and ideas have value even if they are different than 90% of the people around here. In fact, while I thought I wavered on a lot of issues, I find that they have become more solidified over the past few years.  Mostly, I don't put much stock in what other people think because I think they are probably just worrying a bit more about themselves anyway.
And yet... more often than I would like to admit -  doubt and uncertainty and self conscious thoughts creep in and I immediately feel like that awkward girl in middle school who is being made fun of because that boy she liked had baggy football pants.  I don't even want to think about how many years ago that was, but why does it still feel like it happened yesterday?
These thoughts usually find their way in my head when I'm putting myself out there and trying something new.  I'm unsure anyway and now I'm worried about what other people think. Great.  How absolutely paralyzing.  I seem to be in this mode of trying something new about every 3 years, so this insecurity has just taken up residence in my head.  Some days I feel like 'who cares' and sometimes I feel like 'everybody cares and they think you are stupid'.  Do you feel like that too sometimes?  No? I knew it was just me.
In fact, I've relaunched this blog and I haven't  been bold enough to post it and let anyone know it's there.  How do I think I could even write? My friends told me to take a Journalism class in high school because it was super easy.  Of course I said Yes, because we got to leave for lunch to 'sell ads' and that cute boy I sort of liked was the Sports Editor.  Then, they assigned me a story anyway.  Wait.  What?   On deadline day, I remember sitting in class crying to my friends because I couldn't even think of one sentence with Who, What, Where and Why in it. Stupid friends.
Fast forward a few years and now I'm thinking I might try to turn this writing thing into my next big thing.  I mean I did marry that cute Sports Editor, so maybe there's a chance?

I'm bringing the blog back

Back when my kids were little bitty, I would blog for days about all the things they would do or say and how I was managing being a stay at home mom.  It was real life. I did not make it sound like it was all unicorns and rainbows.  I kind of got away from it as my kids grew older and dropped it completely when I went back to work full time.
In 2012, I thought I would start a new blog about being a mom to a middle school girl. I even came up with a new name for my blog and I was really excited about it,  but after only 1 post, I completely forgot about it.  I thought about it again in 2015 when Aubrey started high school, but never even got past the 'thinking about it' stage.
I am back on my blog, not to write about every little thing my kids do, but to try to figure out some things of my own.  I've notoriously found 'my next big thing' about 900 times in the past 15 years since I became a mom and didn't want to go back to the Human Resources world. I've sold some Homemade Gourmet.  I've taught some yoga.  I've made some scrapbooks for other people.  I've volunteered.  I've sold some Origami Owl.  I've worked at a middle school.  The only thing I would go back to is teaching yoga. Hopefully I will at some point, but with high school soccer, select soccer, and select baseball as our main points of focus in our lives, I'm not willing just yet to give up a Saturday morning or week night for that. I don't have my kids here for much longer, if you really think about it, so I'll think about that later.
Clearly, I always have an idea for my next big thing.  Sometimes I feel like I am Bill, the 'idea man', in the movie Nightshift.  Call Starkist!  (Good Lord, what year was that?)  Good thing I have a husband who might roll his eyes at my next idea, but is willing to support me no matter what I decide to do.  I've been working part time in Events Marketing and I really like my job.  I have learned so much in the past 2 years, mainly that I love working part time!  I am a much more pleasant person to be around when I can fit in chores and workouts and lunch with a friend as well as work without feeling like I am losing my mind. I am beyond grateful to have this opportunity.  But, with it comes a little bit of uncertainty.  There is always the possibility of being laid off.  I even knew that at the time I took the job and the pros definitely outweighed the cons.  The longer I am there, the more I think I will be laid off.  What's the next big thing?
I decided I would work on resurrecting my blog and take a few courses on writing for business. Maybe I can figure out how to work that in to some freelance writing. For now, I will continue to write about things that I love, things that I don't love so much, my kids (as long as I don't embarrass them too much), maybe my husband (same rules apply!) and we will see what happens.